How to ask someone to be your referee (with examples)
Key takeaways
- Ask in writing and keep it short: what you're asking for, how long it takes, and an easy way to say no. Most people say yes.
- Ask whether they'd be comfortable giving you a strong reference, not just any reference, so a lukewarm yes doesn't go unnoticed until after the employer has called.
- Send the job description and your resume the same day they agree, so being your referee takes minutes rather than an afternoon.
Most employers ask for two referees, which means asking two people first. Working out the wording is the fiddly part, particularly when it's your current manager or someone you haven't spoken to in a couple of years.
Ask in writing, and keep it short. A written message gives the other person time to think and a straightforward way to decline, which is part of what makes it easy for them to agree. A good ask does three things:
- Names what you want: to list them as a referee for a specific role
- Says how much of their time it takes: a short call or email near the end of the process
- Gives them an easy way to say no, so saying yes costs them nothing
What to say when you ask someone to be a referee
The four messages below cover the situations that come up most often: a colleague or manager you're still in touch with, someone you've lost touch with, your current manager, and a first job hunt with no work referees behind you. Change the bracketed parts and send whichever one fits.
If you haven't settled on who to approach yet, who to ask to be a referee covers how to choose.
A manager or colleague you're in touch with
Use this when you've worked together recently and still speak from time to time. It doesn't need to be any longer than this.
Hi [name],
I'm applying for a [job title] role at [company] and I'd love to list you as a referee.
If they get in touch it'll be a quick call or email near the end of the process, and I'll give you a heads up before they do.
Totally fine if now's not a good time. I can send the job ad and a couple of notes so you're not going in cold. Thanks for considering it.
Someone you haven't spoken to in a while
If it's been a year or two, say so in the first line. Naming the gap answers the question they'd otherwise be wondering about, and it gives you a natural way to explain why you thought of them.
Hi [name],
It's been a while, so I'll get straight to it. I'm applying for a [job title] role at [company], and I'd love to list you as a referee.
I remember how closely we worked together at [company], which is why I thought of you. If they get in touch it'll be a short call near the end, and I'll send you the job ad and a quick note on what I've been doing since.
No pressure at all if you'd rather not. Either way, good to say hello.
Your current manager
Listing your current manager means telling them you're looking, so ask only when you're ready for that conversation. It's also better that they hear it from you than from a recruiter's phone call.
Hi [name],
I'm applying for a [job title] role and wanted to ask if you'd be comfortable being one of my referees.
I've kept my search quiet so far, which is why I wanted to ask you directly before anyone gets in touch. If you'd rather not, I completely understand and won't raise it again.
If you're happy to, I'll send through the role and a note on what I'd love you to speak to.
No work history yet
On a first job hunt, or after time out of work, a teacher, coach, volunteer coordinator or community leader who knows your character is a legitimate referee. That isn't the same as asking a friend.
Hi [name],
I'm applying for a [job title] position at [company], and they've asked for two referees.
I don't have work referees yet, so I wondered if you'd be comfortable speaking to my character and what I was like in [context, like your class or team].
If they get in touch it'll be a short call, and I can send the job ad so you know what they're looking for. No problem at all if you'd rather not.
Ask whether they can give you a strong reference
Someone can agree to be your referee and still give a flat, general answer when the employer calls, often because they said yes to be polite rather than because they felt able to speak well of your work. You can check for that before you hand over their contact details.
Add a line to the ask: "Would you be comfortable giving me a strong reference? If you don't think you could, I'd honestly rather know now, and I can ask someone else."
That wording works because it offers a way out that doesn't require anyone to criticise you. Someone who can't speak well of your work will usually take it, and hearing that now is much easier to work with than hearing it after an employer has already called.
What to do if they say no or sound unsure
People decline for reasons that have little to do with your work. Some employers have a policy against staff giving references, some people are too busy to take the call, and if it's been several years they may feel they can't speak to what you do now. Take the answer at face value, thank them, and ask someone else.
Hesitation is worth naming rather than working around. If someone agrees but sounds unsure, you can use the same line: "If you don't think you could give me a strong reference, I'd genuinely rather know now." Most people will level with you.
It also helps to have one more referee than you need. When a job asks for two, line up a third, so a decline or an unanswered phone doesn't hold up an application.
What to send your referee after they say yes
Once someone agrees, what you send them decides whether they can speak to the role or have to guess at it. Send these the same day, while the conversation is still fresh:
- The job description. So they know what the role actually asks for.
- Your current resume. So the dates and titles match what an employer might check.
- Two or three things to mention. The strengths you'd like them to speak to, and any projects you worked on together.
Keep the covering note short. The aim is to make being your referee take minutes, not an afternoon, and a referee who has this before the call gives a noticeably better reference than one who doesn't.
After that, let them know once you've given out their details, and again if you hear the employer is about to ring. The same approach, a short written message with an easy way to say no, is worth borrowing for other awkward asks at work, including asking for a pay rise.
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